My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.