spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
My first child will be named New Folder.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit