5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
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kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
this has to be peak English
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers