Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds