Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
You Might Also Like
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?