rise and shine we got egg
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Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Mornin. * use accordingly
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.