FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr