Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.