Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Customize Your Wedding.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.