In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
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I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*