[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.