heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER