After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
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[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew