Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
You Might Also Like
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.