The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
You Might Also Like
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
What flavor cupcake are these
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter