Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
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Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast