Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
You Might Also Like
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.