getting old is fun
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Real House Wines.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before