The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
You Might Also Like
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
it was love at first sight
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.