[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
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Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
What’s so funny?