I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
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*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.