DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900