Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
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HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.