This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
what
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.