I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
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[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said