Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save