Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.