*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.