My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
They must have gotten it to go.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.