Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
BRO LMFAO
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific