I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
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My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me trying to “trust the process”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.