I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
mmm onion ringos
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
what’s more important?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends