“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.