Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.