Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.