My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
When your parents check you’re ok.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.