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The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken