Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.