*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
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If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?