Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
You Might Also Like
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love