Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Pikachu found the lost joint
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!