I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My beach vacation Google searches
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.