“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
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It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator