*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
If you know, you know
I put the p in pants.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
New menu item
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho