Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
B
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Breaking news:
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.