My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth