9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Mad Max Arctic Road
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”