The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.