[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
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Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.