Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
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Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time